Through the aid of media, I am here. In my head. Right now I am cerebral- that's what they call it. I want to view my world and narrate and examine through the filters of knowledge and experience and emotion and reason- and suddenly I think.
Why did I ever stop?
Why did I ever yield to mental static?
Ease?
Apathy?
Depression?
And,
More importantly-
How do I stay here?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Five years
Five years from now. I can see it and I can feel it so clearly. No, well, perhaps clear isn't the right word. Neither is see. I can feel it... vividly. I see only snippets. Flashes of sun in a living room, a wagging tail. A purple couch and a block of knives and a well stocked kitchen and the game systems all set up where me and he will play video games after a great dinner and a long rehearsal.
This is my future. The one in my head, anyway. I can feel it. So close, so attainable, but so far away. I have the feelings inside me- I know I want to be happy and adjusted and loved, but right now all I can do is finish school. I want to learn and graduate, but I want it to have happened already.
Unfortunately for me, school is seeming longer and longer. They say it's about the journey, I know, but right now... I'm tired of the journey. It wearies me. It bores me. It seems like I can't be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do and feel the way I want to feel simply because I'm not there yet. I'm working to get there, but in the process I am longing for the result.
Maybe I can call it motivation. Maybe my vision will drive me to get what I can't have yet. But oh, I want it so bad. I want a job at a school and an apartment and good food and a big dog and a man who loves me and my video games. Mostly in that order, but I'm more or less flexible.
I want my life to start. I'm ready. Bring it.
This is my future. The one in my head, anyway. I can feel it. So close, so attainable, but so far away. I have the feelings inside me- I know I want to be happy and adjusted and loved, but right now all I can do is finish school. I want to learn and graduate, but I want it to have happened already.
Unfortunately for me, school is seeming longer and longer. They say it's about the journey, I know, but right now... I'm tired of the journey. It wearies me. It bores me. It seems like I can't be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do and feel the way I want to feel simply because I'm not there yet. I'm working to get there, but in the process I am longing for the result.
Maybe I can call it motivation. Maybe my vision will drive me to get what I can't have yet. But oh, I want it so bad. I want a job at a school and an apartment and good food and a big dog and a man who loves me and my video games. Mostly in that order, but I'm more or less flexible.
I want my life to start. I'm ready. Bring it.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
I dreamed it was snowy, and I was in love :: A poem
I dreamed it was snowy, and I was in love.
The world was cold and I was warm, not the other way around.
I dreamed my skin felt good on me.
I dreamed the dark sky was lit up with tiny flakes
that graced our glowing faces with kisses
We didn't interact, but I knew we were in love.
And I knew he was right there beside me.
I dreamed it was snowy, and I was in love.
The world was cold and I was warm, not the other way around.
I dreamed my skin felt good on me.
I dreamed the dark sky was lit up with tiny flakes
that graced our glowing faces with kisses
We didn't interact, but I knew we were in love.
And I knew he was right there beside me.
I dreamed it was snowy, and I was in love.
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