June

There's something about Spring in the Northwest that is like a life raft. Through all the months and months of rain and clouds... The rain falls in that Spring fashion, pouring and drowning and washing away before the clouds finally break like a dam, bringing in the Spring.
The effect is immediate and apparent. Flowers clamor to bloom first, bare arms and legs gleam in the light with Summer almost kissing away the pale. People emerge from their shelter, peering into the light, their souls fluttering awake at this glimpse of life. The sun brings us back to ourselves, activates us.
Spring in the Northwest makes me see just why the ancient cultures worshiped the sun, and I begin to wonder why we ever stopped.

Either slow down, speed up or get out of the way

You know how you can look back on your life and pinpoint the good phases, the great phases and the not-so-great phases? You see the bad ones and go, "Whoa! What was I thinking? Glad I'm not there anymore!" Well, I'm in the midst of one of those bad phases, made all the worse by the fact that I know I'm in one :/
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm through with this phase of my life. This town hasn't been good for me. I don't like to admit it because it seems sad to say out loud, but high school was a very good time for me. I had a lot going on. Great school, great friends, great job. Now? I like school ok, I have a decent job and fewer real friends than I'd like. I tried to make nice, but I don't make friends like everyone else- I'm not a big college party animal. Due to my introverted nature, I tend to feel... off at parties. I can enjoy the company of every person in the room individually, but when we're all together I feel small and misfitted and like I'm just... doing it wrong.
I realize that in this blog I always try to see the good in a situation- to turn a bad day into a learning experience. I've got hope that it'll happen, but right now? All I have is cloud.
I'll let you know when I find the silver lining.

Five years

Five years from now. I can see it and I can feel it so clearly. No, well, perhaps clear isn't the right word. Neither is see. I can feel it... vividly. I see only snippets. Flashes of sun in a living room, a wagging tail. A purple couch and a block of knives and a well stocked kitchen and the game systems all set up where me and he will play video games after a great dinner and a long rehearsal.
This is my future. The one in my head, anyway. I can feel it. So close, so attainable, but so far away. I have the feelings inside me- I know I want to be happy and adjusted and loved, but right now all I can do is finish school. I want to learn and graduate, but I want it to have happened already.
Unfortunately for me, school is seeming longer and longer. They say it's about the journey, I know, but right now... I'm tired of the journey. It wearies me. It bores me. It seems like I can't be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do and feel the way I want to feel simply because I'm not there yet. I'm working to get there, but in the process I am longing for the result.
Maybe I can call it motivation. Maybe my vision will drive me to get what I can't have yet. But oh, I want it so bad. I want a job at a school and an apartment and good food and a big dog and a man who loves me and my video games. Mostly in that order, but I'm more or less flexible.
I want my life to start. I'm ready. Bring it.